So....today I have a lot of things that I really, seriously need to get off of my chest. Because, if I don't talk about it now, I'm going to just break down and turn into a hot mess. Although, I already feel like a hot mess, I feel like I'm sort of doing that right now, but whatever. I'm sorry if I offend people, but there will be the occasional not PG word within this blog entry. Just a warning, I promise that I will attempt to use it sparingly.
Today I came to a realization about a few things in my life, all of which are highly impactful on everything I do. But, whatever, I'm just here to say my piece and get out. (I'll list them and then explain each one after the list)
1) I'm probably one of the most cynical, whiny, rude, and obnoxious people on the face of the planet. No joke. It's kind of sick of you think about it.
2) No matter how hard I try, I cannot bring myself to be accepting of religion, in any form. All of it drives me insane, because I want there to be some sort of connecting force within it that can make it seem fair to everyone. I've also decided that the only thing that vaguely describes what I believe in would be 'deistic', which I will also explain later in this entry.
3) My sexual orientation has become a sort of weapon that I use to bash people, no matter what the situation. Especially when arguing about religion.
4) No matter how tough I try to be, I have so many weak spots in my armor that archers would have a field day trying to decided which one to hit first. One comment, one action, one event, can totally shatter any semblance of self-esteem or self-worth that I possess.
5) My vocabulary has gone WAY down hill. I have to seriously put myself in check about things I say most of the time, and it bothers me that as soon as I get into a position where I believe I can be apathetic, I stop putting on a filter and everything goes to hell.
So...explanations now, yes?
1) My first statement/realization/whatever is the acknowledgement that I am sort of useless in a lot of different things. Such as dealing with social interactions or anything remotely close to dealing with people. I'm horridly mean to people in my comments sometimes, and although I always say that I would say it to their face, I probably never would. Which makes me excruciatingly passive aggressive about stuff sometimes. That whole 'don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all' rule might as well not even exist when I'm talking about someone. All I can do is pick at people I have deemed 'disliked'. Or at people I really do like. I will find one thing and just rant about how much it bothers me, and mock them for their apparent 'flaw', endlessly sometimes. I can think of a few people that I seriously mock all the time, but I'm not sure if I would ever say anything nice to them. I'm also horridly incapable of accepting a compliment from anyone, at least on a few things. I can accept compliments and criticism about my viola performance easily, no problem. But if anyone criticizes me or compliments me on my physical appearance, mental out-look, etc, I cannot take it seriously. I just shut it down in my head before I have any time to process it. I also complain about well, virtually, everything. Sometimes not out loud, but in my head I can go on for hours about how much I dislike doing something. Which, after getting shot down by a few people makes me think it is one of my qualities that leaves something to be desired (such as the ability to keep my mouth shut). I also have the insatiable need to be loud about everything, especially when I'm talking. Or feeling the need to talk a great deal about anything. I have a sort of verbal diarrhea attack. I probably also bother just random people I pass in public with comments that I have made, or how loud my volume is. It bothers the crap out of me when I think about it.
2. I told my family today that I am uncomfortable going to church. I lied and said that I didn't mind going to Grace, the church I grew up in, but even then: I still feel awkward and isolated from everyone else in the building. I have serious issues on what I believe on the whole 'how life started, and what humans are doing here' thing. I believe, as a deist, that the world was started by a higher power, and then the higher power just decided that humanity should be left to itself. I have used my sexual orientation as a sort of barrier between myself and any sort of religion, because after all, if people follow the 'by the book' thing with the Bible, I'm technically some sort of strange hellspawn from a different dimension that should just spontaneously combust, because I have no worth. And I have taken that to an extreme of almost every religion or church group. That I, as a gay man, will not and should not be accepted in any of the places where they use the Christian Bible, or follow the Torah, or the Koran, or the Upanishads. I am simply to wallow in my own 'misfit' status, and struggle, and deal with being uncomfortable with the idea of religion. I grew up learning from the Christian Bible, I studied the scriptures, I followed my Sunday school teachers words carefully, I truly believed that Jesus was the answer to everything. But now, I don't have any clue if the spirit of Jesus Christ actually exists. I don't knock the people that worship whoever they worship, more power to them. I just can't find it within myself to feel okay with being in a place where I might become isolated because of something that I cannot change in myself. I have met a lot of great Christian people, but for some reason, in the past few years, I have come to have a great deal of mistrust towards them until they prove that they are not 'like the rest of them'. I take it as they are always mocking me, and wishing me ill, and saying that I am a mistake. And it hurts. A lot. So much so that I feel uncomfortable around some of my family members now, because I feel as if they are always judging me for who I am. And even going to church makes me tense, because I feel that, if I walk into a church, everyone will instantly begin judging me for who I am. This brings me to my third article.
3) I use my sexual orientation as a weapon. While this statement may seem really abnormal to some people, let me explain for just a moment. My brother asked me tonight why I felt uncomfortable going to church, and I told him that I couldn't deal with going to a place where people might consider me an 'abomination' for being myself. He told me that 'I'm taking a bad thing, and making it worse.', and that I was taking my orientation too far. I got really upset, and I still have absolutely no desire to talk to him about it at all. Maybe he's right. Maybe I do take it 'too far', and I make a bad thing worse. I have gotten to the point where I am reverse stereotyping everyone who I initially meet who is a follower of a religious faith. Because they obviously might start attacking me at any moment, verbally, physically, mentally, it doesn't matter. But besides that, I also make jokes about it in front of random people occasionally, such as my Dynamics of Human Development prof, and the entire class. I also use it against people who do believe in God, or whatever, because they might be a potential threat, so I use my orientation as a wall to prevent someone from potentially hurting me. Because I refuse to let someone close enough to hurt me unless they show me that they aren't going to walk away from me for no reason.
4)I act like a total (WARNING THERE IS A BAD WORD HERE SO IF YOU WANT TO SKIP IT GO TO THE NEXT ALL CAPS PART AND IT WILL COVER THE WORD UP)
bitch
(ALRIGHT IT IS OKAY TO LOOK AGAIN)
to people sometimes. Like I said before, I can talk shit all day, but if someone makes a single, off-hand comment or reprimands me for acting stupid, I shatter like glass. I can't even begin to describe how often this can happen. And how upsetting, stupid, and immature it makes me feel after it happens. I know that I should learn to take things in stride better, but I still struggle to even vaguely attempt to let go of it. And it will eat me away. It's like dipping metal into sulfuric acid. So, as such, I am a failure at 'forgive and forget' most of the times.
5)I swear. Constantly. It's a terrible habit. I also don't use nearly the amount of words or variants of words that I used to use. Mostly because I stopped writing poetry/literature unless it sporadically comes upon me, but also because I just refuse to find a better word for some things. Especially when I feel the need to drop the 'f' word every few sentences in conversations with friends. It's a hindrance, and I hate it. Those words have power to emphasize things, and I use them as if they were salt and pepper. As such, it's just horrible, and I hate doing it.
So, there's a reason I'm doing this. I hurt a great deal inside. And I make a lot of stupid mistakes, and whore around because it helps me feel better about myself, my life, or whatever else I feel might impact me. I can't just let things go and try and hold my tongue. Because all I want to do is be that sassy, scathingly sarcastic guy that people think is funny. Except my sarcasm can occasionally come back and bite me hardcore in the butt.
I needed to put this up, so that I, and other people can attempt to grasp what I'm trying to deal with. All I want to do is curl up in a ball and just let the world fly by, because it would be so much easier. And even though I know I can't do that, the thought is still appealing.
I reach too far, and I get burned. All I wanted in middle school was to be 'popular', and I found out that I couldn't be that even if I wanted to. I can't deal with cut-throat, no matter how strong my front appears to be. I'm weak, and fragile, and I'm falling apart at the seams some days.
I just...I hate myself, a lot, almost all the time. It's not something I can stop right away, it will take time. But I wish it was.
Today I came to a realization about a few things in my life, all of which are highly impactful on everything I do. But, whatever, I'm just here to say my piece and get out. (I'll list them and then explain each one after the list)
1) I'm probably one of the most cynical, whiny, rude, and obnoxious people on the face of the planet. No joke. It's kind of sick of you think about it.
2) No matter how hard I try, I cannot bring myself to be accepting of religion, in any form. All of it drives me insane, because I want there to be some sort of connecting force within it that can make it seem fair to everyone. I've also decided that the only thing that vaguely describes what I believe in would be 'deistic', which I will also explain later in this entry.
3) My sexual orientation has become a sort of weapon that I use to bash people, no matter what the situation. Especially when arguing about religion.
4) No matter how tough I try to be, I have so many weak spots in my armor that archers would have a field day trying to decided which one to hit first. One comment, one action, one event, can totally shatter any semblance of self-esteem or self-worth that I possess.
5) My vocabulary has gone WAY down hill. I have to seriously put myself in check about things I say most of the time, and it bothers me that as soon as I get into a position where I believe I can be apathetic, I stop putting on a filter and everything goes to hell.
So...explanations now, yes?
1) My first statement/realization/whatever is the acknowledgement that I am sort of useless in a lot of different things. Such as dealing with social interactions or anything remotely close to dealing with people. I'm horridly mean to people in my comments sometimes, and although I always say that I would say it to their face, I probably never would. Which makes me excruciatingly passive aggressive about stuff sometimes. That whole 'don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all' rule might as well not even exist when I'm talking about someone. All I can do is pick at people I have deemed 'disliked'. Or at people I really do like. I will find one thing and just rant about how much it bothers me, and mock them for their apparent 'flaw', endlessly sometimes. I can think of a few people that I seriously mock all the time, but I'm not sure if I would ever say anything nice to them. I'm also horridly incapable of accepting a compliment from anyone, at least on a few things. I can accept compliments and criticism about my viola performance easily, no problem. But if anyone criticizes me or compliments me on my physical appearance, mental out-look, etc, I cannot take it seriously. I just shut it down in my head before I have any time to process it. I also complain about well, virtually, everything. Sometimes not out loud, but in my head I can go on for hours about how much I dislike doing something. Which, after getting shot down by a few people makes me think it is one of my qualities that leaves something to be desired (such as the ability to keep my mouth shut). I also have the insatiable need to be loud about everything, especially when I'm talking. Or feeling the need to talk a great deal about anything. I have a sort of verbal diarrhea attack. I probably also bother just random people I pass in public with comments that I have made, or how loud my volume is. It bothers the crap out of me when I think about it.
2. I told my family today that I am uncomfortable going to church. I lied and said that I didn't mind going to Grace, the church I grew up in, but even then: I still feel awkward and isolated from everyone else in the building. I have serious issues on what I believe on the whole 'how life started, and what humans are doing here' thing. I believe, as a deist, that the world was started by a higher power, and then the higher power just decided that humanity should be left to itself. I have used my sexual orientation as a sort of barrier between myself and any sort of religion, because after all, if people follow the 'by the book' thing with the Bible, I'm technically some sort of strange hellspawn from a different dimension that should just spontaneously combust, because I have no worth. And I have taken that to an extreme of almost every religion or church group. That I, as a gay man, will not and should not be accepted in any of the places where they use the Christian Bible, or follow the Torah, or the Koran, or the Upanishads. I am simply to wallow in my own 'misfit' status, and struggle, and deal with being uncomfortable with the idea of religion. I grew up learning from the Christian Bible, I studied the scriptures, I followed my Sunday school teachers words carefully, I truly believed that Jesus was the answer to everything. But now, I don't have any clue if the spirit of Jesus Christ actually exists. I don't knock the people that worship whoever they worship, more power to them. I just can't find it within myself to feel okay with being in a place where I might become isolated because of something that I cannot change in myself. I have met a lot of great Christian people, but for some reason, in the past few years, I have come to have a great deal of mistrust towards them until they prove that they are not 'like the rest of them'. I take it as they are always mocking me, and wishing me ill, and saying that I am a mistake. And it hurts. A lot. So much so that I feel uncomfortable around some of my family members now, because I feel as if they are always judging me for who I am. And even going to church makes me tense, because I feel that, if I walk into a church, everyone will instantly begin judging me for who I am. This brings me to my third article.
3) I use my sexual orientation as a weapon. While this statement may seem really abnormal to some people, let me explain for just a moment. My brother asked me tonight why I felt uncomfortable going to church, and I told him that I couldn't deal with going to a place where people might consider me an 'abomination' for being myself. He told me that 'I'm taking a bad thing, and making it worse.', and that I was taking my orientation too far. I got really upset, and I still have absolutely no desire to talk to him about it at all. Maybe he's right. Maybe I do take it 'too far', and I make a bad thing worse. I have gotten to the point where I am reverse stereotyping everyone who I initially meet who is a follower of a religious faith. Because they obviously might start attacking me at any moment, verbally, physically, mentally, it doesn't matter. But besides that, I also make jokes about it in front of random people occasionally, such as my Dynamics of Human Development prof, and the entire class. I also use it against people who do believe in God, or whatever, because they might be a potential threat, so I use my orientation as a wall to prevent someone from potentially hurting me. Because I refuse to let someone close enough to hurt me unless they show me that they aren't going to walk away from me for no reason.
4)I act like a total (WARNING THERE IS A BAD WORD HERE SO IF YOU WANT TO SKIP IT GO TO THE NEXT ALL CAPS PART AND IT WILL COVER THE WORD UP)
bitch
(ALRIGHT IT IS OKAY TO LOOK AGAIN)
to people sometimes. Like I said before, I can talk shit all day, but if someone makes a single, off-hand comment or reprimands me for acting stupid, I shatter like glass. I can't even begin to describe how often this can happen. And how upsetting, stupid, and immature it makes me feel after it happens. I know that I should learn to take things in stride better, but I still struggle to even vaguely attempt to let go of it. And it will eat me away. It's like dipping metal into sulfuric acid. So, as such, I am a failure at 'forgive and forget' most of the times.
5)I swear. Constantly. It's a terrible habit. I also don't use nearly the amount of words or variants of words that I used to use. Mostly because I stopped writing poetry/literature unless it sporadically comes upon me, but also because I just refuse to find a better word for some things. Especially when I feel the need to drop the 'f' word every few sentences in conversations with friends. It's a hindrance, and I hate it. Those words have power to emphasize things, and I use them as if they were salt and pepper. As such, it's just horrible, and I hate doing it.
So, there's a reason I'm doing this. I hurt a great deal inside. And I make a lot of stupid mistakes, and whore around because it helps me feel better about myself, my life, or whatever else I feel might impact me. I can't just let things go and try and hold my tongue. Because all I want to do is be that sassy, scathingly sarcastic guy that people think is funny. Except my sarcasm can occasionally come back and bite me hardcore in the butt.
I needed to put this up, so that I, and other people can attempt to grasp what I'm trying to deal with. All I want to do is curl up in a ball and just let the world fly by, because it would be so much easier. And even though I know I can't do that, the thought is still appealing.
I reach too far, and I get burned. All I wanted in middle school was to be 'popular', and I found out that I couldn't be that even if I wanted to. I can't deal with cut-throat, no matter how strong my front appears to be. I'm weak, and fragile, and I'm falling apart at the seams some days.
I just...I hate myself, a lot, almost all the time. It's not something I can stop right away, it will take time. But I wish it was.
No comments:
Post a Comment