Faith in Oneself

When taking a look back on one's life, you find points of struggle, points of catharsis and wonder if the effort is worth the trials that one is going through. If the time you put into something is truly worth the fighting, the work, the tears; and most of all, the pain to get through.

Looking back, I wonder if music has driven me to consider my life, or if my struggles recently have pushed me to this.

All I know is this; that I am stronger than I think I am.

Whether or not my mentors think that I can handle something is irrelevant to my progress, to my future.

I will fight, and struggle on.

Whether or not romance, practicing, homework, studying, and performing has pushed me to the place that I am today, I will fight on.

I am myself, with my flaws, with my bad judgments.

It is not up to the people who work with you, the people who interact with you, the family you have, that decide what you will become.

It is you, and you alone.

And whether I fight in vain is not known now, all I know is, that I will fight.

So think I'm lazy, think I'm not cut out for something. Go for it.

You're just one more obstacle that I have to cross on my way to my dreams, my hopes.

I will fight, until I simply cease to exist.

I love you all.

Examining Oneself: An Analysis of Life

When I started my sophomore year of college, I had a lot of expectations for myself.

1. Pass all of my classes (preferably with B's or above)
2. Practice a lot more (2 hours or more a day)
3. Work out every day (Fit into those size 32 jeans)
4. Be a better person (Nice, kind, funny Isaak)

And after a few days, I figured that now would be the best time for me to do this examination. Especially since grades will be coming out in a few days, and I have a feeling that I'm not going to like what I see.

1. Pass all of my classes

I have to admit, this is the one that hurt me the most. Because, even if I had the intention of doing this, it hasn't actually happened.

I failed two classes this year.

Not only that, but I didn't get to a point where my class can be considered as passable for my major.

When I first realized this, I swore. A lot.

I couldn't deal with the idea that I'm slowing down even more in my ever futile pursuit to graduate 'on time'.  And I keep trying to find someone besides myself to blame, but guess what?

I'm to blame.

People always say that freshman year is the most difficult, but no matter how difficult (or not difficult) my freshman year was, I screwed up way more this last year than I have during my freshman year.

I spent way more time worrying about my social life, and video-games than I have my studies: and it's really showing.

Now that I'm away from the dorms, away from the 'pressure' of school, I can critically acknowledge that I have to change something.

If not, well, I'm betting everyone will be really happy when I take that seventh year to finish my degree.

2. Practice a lot more

In a way, I have begun to accomplish that, but only a little bit. I'm not anywhere near where I'd like to be; but I'm getting better.

Every day I'm working a bit more. And this summer is already trumping last summer in that: I'm actually practicing. I have things to work on, and stuff is getting done.

This is progress.

3. Exercise more

This has had it's ups and downs. But, I'm working my way through it. This year was definitely not year of 'fit' Isaak. But, this summer is starting to change. I have to consistently work every day to remind myself that there is a reason that I'm doing this.

I want to feel more comfortable in my own skin, and be able to like the way I look.

So, running more, doing just more activity: this is already helping me out.

4. Be kinder

Bits and bits, every day is getting a bit better. Am I still the most sarcastic person on the face of the planet? You bet your ass I am.


This last year has made me realize this:

Nothing in life comes without effort. Everything is earned, not gained.

"Humankind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return. To obtain, something of equal value must be lost. That is alchemy's First Law of Equivalent Exchange. In those days, we really believed that to be the world's one, and only, truth." -Alphonse Elric

The law of Equivalent Exchange.

I've been manipulating the system for a very long time, hoping that I can get through life without really putting in the necessary work to achieve.

But the time to think like that is over.

I will never give up, no matter how hopeless the situation seems, no matter how dark the darkness is. No matter how impossible it seems to learn something.

If it takes me six years to finish an undergrad degree, then by god, I will be the most knowledgeable undergrad of them all.

If it wasn't for the people in my life, this thought might have never formed in my head.

I love you all, and you are that which gives me strength.

I will fight, tooth and nail, to achieve that which I desire.

Learning to take things

One step at a time.

This is what I'm reaffirming in myself every single day.

For the best, I should I hope.

I understand now,

That wishing for something to happen,

To constantly be looking for something to just, appear in front of me:

Is insane.

As such,

I'm not waiting.

I'm letting life move at it's own pace, no matter how much I might not enjoy that pace.

And I'm going to live,

And learn,

And make stupid mistakes.

And that's okay.

Because, I know,

That the harder I work,

The more time I put into the things I love,

The better off I will be.

I love you all.

Running Up That Hill

Everyday is a struggle for some.

To achieve, to succeed, to be happy, to be alive.

And it is through these struggles that we become stronger.

We run up the infinitely tall hill for all of eternity, struggling to find that which we most desire.

But we have people in our lives who guide us, who give us a hand, who show us the right way to do things.

We have those people who wish nothing more than to see us fall.

But in this struggle, we fight on, or we die.

And I refuse to die.

So, everyday, I will struggle.

With my insecurities, my cynicism, my self image, my lack of skill.

But I will struggle,

And I will fight,

Until the day I die.

I love you.

Never forget, that I'm right there with you.

Climbing up that hill.

Nobody Said It Was Easy

This has been my mantra for a while. "Nobody said it was easy", a rallying cry for my life.
For things that I've done, things that I've wished to have done, and things that I've failed to do. It's difficult, because every time I sit and think by myself, I'm never really sure where my life is going, or where it has gone. It scares me to think that, maybe, I'm not supposed to be with anyone.

Or at least, if I am supposed to be with someone, I have to be comfortable with myself first. And that's the worst part. I try to be confident, to be the person I wish I could be; but it gets a little bit harder every day. After a while, the mask you've worn for so long starts to show signs of wear. So, maybe it's time for me to take the mask off.

Is the mask my body image? My sense of humor? My insecurities? My lack of control?

I don't know, and this, ladies and gentlemen, scares me more than a lot of things have scared me.

But, I have to take this step, a move in the direction I want to go in.

I have to take charge, and work for the betterment of myself, and the world around me.

So, no matter how hard it might seem,

No matter the challenges ahead,

I have to keep taking that step forward.

Have a good weekend everyone.

I love you. 

The Weekend before Opera....

BAM! As a gunshot flies past your head, you feel the force of the bullet move the hair on the side of your head as you stare at your attacker, deathly afraid for your life. As you take a deep breath and try to come up with the best plea you possibly can in order to not get killed, you wake up and realize that you have at least 10 hours worth of opera rehearsal and a performance to put on this week.

Oh wait, that's me. Well, me and everyone else in the Opera Pit for Magic Flute.

Am I excited for the performance? Yes.

Rehearsals? Nope.

Also, this weekend was spectacular. Mostly. Some ups, some downs.

Ups:
Won at Poker Night at House (LIKE A BOSS)
Saw a little bit of Collin and Company's set at Spiccoli's on Saturday night
Hung out and jammed at House, and ended up going home instead of to Pablo's at 2 am.
Played Skyrim
Went shopping with Caroline and Toni

Downs:
Snowpocolypse
Single Digit Temperatures
Loud Hallmates
Lack of sleep

Regardless, I will hit this week hard and fast.

Or it'll shoot me.

Either way, expect an update every two days or so? We'll see how that goes....

Also, an image for your entertainment.

hahahahaha

And I took you by the hand, and we stood tall.

The title of this post is a snippet from the lyrics of 'After the Storm' by Mumford and Sons, a rather brilliant tune, I must say. It's probably one of the most emotionally provocative songs I've ever heard. It simply hits me in a way that I never really thought about before, but thankfully, it's quite enjoyable, (and Caroline and I sang a cover of it for fun once haha).

Simply put, I've been thinking about a lot of things lately; what my priorities are in life, what I feel in my own soul, and what I want out of life. I've realized that some things in life pretty much consume all of my time (ie. Facebook), the amount of time that I have or haven't spent on some things is shocking, and I just needed a change of pace. As such, my Facebook is on hiatus until further notice. I deactivated it temporarily, (so if some of you happened to try and search my name on there and couldn't find it, there's a reason).

Continuing, I'm beginning to realize more and more, that all I really need in life is my music. My ability to perform, to sing, to interact with other musicians. I don't need anything else.

Do I want something more?

In the simplest of terms: yes.

But am I going to continue pining over the fact that someone I could have been quite happy with leave because it 'might not work'?

Yes, and no.

I need to step back and examine myself, and my life, before I can be anywhere stable enough to deal with love, or anything like that.

I just can't handle it right now.

If I hurt people in the process of saying any of this, I'm sorry. But, I have to move away from the familiar and pursue something else.

As such; thank you for reading my words. It means more to me than I can say.

Peace, and have a wonderful (if snowy) Friday!

Consistent Blogging: Day 1

So, sometimes I wonder if I'm just confused about how life functions. Like, the fact that you have due dates for things. Also, I am going to madly attack the enormous pile of homework before me, and hopefully destroy all of it before this weekend.

It has to be like this, otherwise...my life will turn into this....

Hyperbole and a Half seems to explain my life in some ways. Mostly because this picture will be what I look like as I struggle through everything....

So...hopefully I can be motivated enough to get this stuff accomplished. If I have to stay up all night, OH WELL! I am a college student, and I will get stuff done...and stuff...yeah...

Anyways, I had my first String Pedagogue class today, and it was wonderful. We had a great discussion about basic over-arching ideas of teaching, and we talked through a bit of the Suzuki method, and what his thoughts on the process of learning the violin were. It's really fascinating, and it makes me enjoy the class even  more. :)

Regardless, I'm going to go crawl into a hole and die finish my homework. Cheers and have a good Wednesday everyone!

-Isaak